What’s bugging you?

Sorry for the predictable title, and, for harping on about them because I know that you locals don’t even notice the bugs, well that’s what I’m told by some.

But then again other folk say different: “they bite us just the same as you, we just got used to it.” GOT USED TO IT! ARE YOU CRAZY?

The bugs descended from I don’t know where onto my home last weekend. One minute we were enjoying the first really warming rays of spring sunshine, the next it was blotted out by a black cloud, and I don’t mean the type that rains on you.

“It’s OK, they’re not biting,” said a local friend of mine as I was besieged by a buzzing fog of black flies. “Oh good!” I spluttered, trying to dislodge twenty or so now partially drowned flies from the back of my throat.

“Good job we’re in the screen room,” I hacked, fighting my towards the gaping hole that signalled the very open door. Slamming it shut, I set about wreaking lethal vengeance on the 500 or so insects that I hadn’t swallowed.

I know, I know, I should have been more prepared for this. I have moved to bug central, after all. But how prepared can you be. My wife won’t come near me because I’ve been eating garlic by the bulb for the last three months. I’m told is dissuades vampiric mosquitoes from slaking their thirst on English folk.

I have also been trialing another natural remedy, essential oil of catnip. The bugs don’t seem to care but the cats! All I can say is, if you’ve lost your tabby in the last week, it’s probably scratching at my front door. I can’t go outside anymore. The bugs I can stand, the loved-up cats, they’re more of a problem.

I’m also informed that bugs are attracted to perfumed scents. No more drinking the Chanel N^o5 before I venture out, then. In fact, I’m going to forego any type of chemical soap, scent or deodorising agent. Will it keep away the bugs? Probably not. Will it detract the unwanted attentions of charity workers and Jehovah’s Witnesses… I may have inadvertently come up with a plan, there.

Now, I could resort to chemical warfare, slather my entire body in gallons of Deet and wander my three acres naked daring the bugs to come take a chew. Any bug foolhardy enough to come to close would drop like a fly, quite literally. Bathing in chemicals such as Deet day after day may send me mad but if I’m already wandering around naked that won’t make much difference, and, come to think of it, wandering naked in my garden will keep the Jehovah botherers away, too.

I could do as many folk in the UK do to their diminutive gardens and just pave my entire three acres. They do it to create a space to park the car. I do it to eradicate the habitat of unwanted pests. Trouble is, I might attract miserable, lank-haired, jeans-hanging-off-the-arse teenage skateboarders. I’ll have to give that idea more thought.

Time for desperate measures, may be. How about I throw my beautiful plump, rose skinned, two year-old son out of the door and let the bugs eat their fill of him before I step outside in Speedos and tanning lotion. Don’t think the wife would let me get away with that – the Speedos, I mean!

Bugs, they will become an accepted part of my life in years to come, I’m sure. However, if you happen to see an Englishman running maniacally down the road (naked or not, I haven’t decided on that one yet) flailing his arms around a head that is hidden within a cloud of insects, don’t worry it’s only me taking a leisurely stroll to the post box.